Anxiety. This is a word that gets tossed around every day, and most people don't think much of it. The Merriam-Webster online dictionary gives this definition for anxiety: "Fear or nervousness about what might happen." I'm sure most people at some point in their lives have experienced some form of anxiety. However, if you are someone like me, anxiety becomes so much more than just nervousness. It becomes a constant battle with your thoughts. It translates into physical symptoms. It is controlling, and it is exhausting.
I have always lived with a decent level of stress in my life. Being a perfectionist, there was always that drive in me to do better. I was never content with a bad grade, and often those bad grades would cripple me. I would worry for sometimes weeks in advance for something that I was nervous about. But this semester at college, my anxiety has taken a whole new level. I began to feel mysterious symptoms. My heart would pound so hard at night that I couldn't get to sleep. I would feel this gut-wrenching, sick feeling in my stomach wash over me constantly at night, and even sometimes during classes. I would feel weak, shaky and not well at all. There were a couple of times when I was truly convinced that I was having a heart attack. I often felt as if I couldn't take deep breaths and that I wasn't going to get enough air in. All of these physical symptoms, resulting from anxiety, only contributed to making the anxiety worse. At some points, I seriously felt like I was dying (this sounds extreme, but if you suffer from anxiety disorder, you understand).
It's hard for me to say just what was causing my anxiety. Yes, this is my senior year of college, and I am under a lot of stress to do well in classes and figure out what I am going to be doing after college. I have my big senior project that I have been working on - which includes writing a 8-12 page math paper and giving a 25 minute presentation on the paper. On top of this, I have senioritis really badly. I am so ready to just be done with school.
But in all honesty, I still have no idea why this is coming now. As I said before, I have faced stress throughout the previous three years of college. I have never felt these things before. I can't even begin to tell you how frustrating all of this was for me. I spent so many sleepless nights just crying out to God to take these horrible feelings away. I tried everything - sleeping pills, listening to relaxing music, praying - but nothing seemed to work. I went to the doctor only to have them tell me it was from anxiety. And short of medication, there is nothing they can do for anxiety. I refuse to take anxiety medicine. I would rather just deal with my problems than to risk forming a drug habit.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because throughout this whole process, which has gotten better but still hasn't completely gone away, I have been reminded of Paul in 2 Corinthians 12. In this chapter, Paul is talking about the thorn in his flesh. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that what I suffer from is anything like what Paul suffered from, but I do make some connections. Paul was given a thorn in his flesh. He says at the end of verse 7 that this was "a messenger of Satan to torment me." Three times Paul begged God to take this thorn away... but then we come to one of my favorite verses in the Bible - verse 9: "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Paul continues by saying that because of this, he will proclaim his weaknesses even more so that others can look at him and see Christ's power working in his life. What a testimony!
Sometimes it is hard for me to talk about what is going on with me. I hate looking and feeling weak. I don't want people to see me as weak. It's always been hard for me to admit weakness. But Paul is saying here in verse 9 that he is going to boast all the more gladly about his weaknesses. He will proclaim them to anyone and show everyone his struggles. The end of verse 10 says, "For when I am weak, then I am strong."
We are not perfect. We all suffer from something. Some people are very open about their weaknesses, and others - like me - try to keep them hidden away. But we don't have to be afraid of coming across as weak. In fact, God wants us to share our weaknesses. It is through this that His power is manifested. Others can look at our lives and see God working through us. When we are at our weakest, God is at His strongest. If none of us had weaknesses, we wouldn't be able to see our need for Christ.
There were times over the past month that I felt God was so far away. It's sometimes hard for Christians to admit this. We feel that we should always be experiencing God to the fullest. It's hard to admit that we are struggling with something. But listen, God does not condemn us for our struggles. He doesn't condemn me for feeling isolated from Him. Throughout the whole experience, I know that God was always with me, even when I couldn't feel Him. He has always been there, helping me through it, and He is never going to leave. Looking back now, I see that my trust in Him has only grown as a result. I have become so much more dependent on His strength. Each day, I recognize my weakness and fully rely on Him to get me through the struggles of the day.
No matter what you are going through today, no matter how far away God feels, no matter where you are in your walk with Him, always remember that He is always right there. It's hard to see when you are in the midst of pain, but looking back, you will be able to recognize the hand of God. Keep your head up, and fight through it. The pain doesn't last forever. Someday you will be able to laugh at your struggles. As a result, you can come out stronger and happier. Your struggles can become a way to share your faith with someone else going through difficulties. Most of all, don't ever be afraid to share your weaknesses with others. It definitely helps to have someone who will listen and give advice. Always remember that God is there to talk to as well. Even when He seems far away, keep talking. He never leaves you alone.
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